What A Goblin King Shouldn't Know
by Silvertongued Mischief
Summary: It involves chickens. Underwear stealing. Glitter. Goblins with sporks. And phone sex. What will Sarah do if Jareth knew of her occupation as a phone operator? Rated T for suggestiveness and language.
1. Oh Baby Oh Baby

Good day everyone! Here is my new story! It is a little rushed so you must the squinching. I got the idea this morning when one of my friends called me. I usually answer telemarketers and friends with '1-800-Phone Sex How many I be of service?' so it just popped in my head how interesting that'd be.

I do not own any of the characters except Spork…

Jareth: No I own him!

Me: As if glitter puff

Jareth: *glowers*

Me: *sticks out tongue* Anyway! Feature Presentation!

Jareth: *moons the audience and mutters* I'll give you a presentation…

Me:*resists urge to sing Blue Moon* Damn Fae People…

'Oh baby!' the gruff man cried out, his voice husky and breath heavy.

*SNAP!* went the 'riding crop' against the woman's leg.

'Be my naughty little slave!' the woman commanded.

'Yes!' he moaned and *splurt* was the sound she heard through the phone.

'Until next time, slave,' she tried not to choke on her own disgust as she hung up.

Sarah Williams groaned and hit her head on the desk. She hoped her future non-existent children never asked how she paid her way through college. The young woman with the chocolate tresses and emerald eyes sighed and stood. She mad her way to the girls' shower and tried to wash away the psychological filth.

She thought back to the past to try to find the answers. Sarah still couldn't remember how she got into the 'phone sex' business…but a job is a job. The girl groaned again, for she had never had a serious relationship because of it. Oh she had had dates of course, but never a boyfriend. She glowered at the irony. She was a top notch phone sex operator yet still a virgin.

One thing she noticed and wondered at was all the suitors of different races. Faes, werewolves, vampires, even undead sorcerers appeared after she ran the Labyrinth.

The Labyrinth…

A maze of many things. Of growth, mind and heart. So many things had changed when she went through it. She didn't give up her fantasies, for they were constantly chucked back at her head when she wasn't looking.

'Like a ruddy baseball,' she growled as she rinsed out her hair.

And the 'pitcher', she knew, was none other than the arrogant arse of a king. Jareth. Sarah shuddered visibly. If he knew about her second job…she would surely die of mortification. She smiled wanly as she recalled the day she threatened the goblins who 'adopted' her to swear they'd never tell. Apparently 'spinach' and 'bath' were taboo. That and they seemed dense to the fact they could just magick out of it.

Now the other magical creatures, that seemed to flurry in like a storm since the adventure 7 years ago, were far more tricky to manage. Sarah had to agree to dancing in the nude every full moon for the faeries. Be a seamstress for the pixies. And give all her plastic jewelry to the dwarves.

She stepped out of the shower an dried off. The young girl sighed again and trudged off to dream away the frustrations. Sarah checked her bed for the pixies she knew loved to hide in her sheets. Sarah learned to automatically look after she had been bitten in the arse by an indignant faerie. She almost regretted telling Hoggle that incident for he never let it down.

Sarah was nearly away in Dreamland when she heard a crash in her dorm's kitchen. After suppressing the urge to cry she got up and stormed to the disturbance, ready to raise Hell.

Chickens. It always had to be the fucking black chickens of doom! Sarah smacked her forehead as 'Spork' chased the dozen or so chickens around the room. She had named him Spork for the fact that she always seemed to have to extricate one from his bulbous yet pointy nose.

'What are you doing!' she tried not to shriek.

Spork immediately ceased and looked up at her innocently, 'Well Miss Lady I heard of a mooovie caked 'Chicken Run' and we wanted to act it out,' despite his ignorance he was always rather well spoken.

'That is not what they meant,' she answered shortly, 'Now take the stupid chickens out of here before I dip you face first into a bubble bath!'

Spork screamed almost girlishly and popped them all out of the room. Sarah almost smiled when one of the feathery footballs squawked in surprise. She nearly shouted when she saw all the feathers they left behind in the poofage. Throwing her hands up, Sarah stalked back to her room and slammed the door vehemently shut.


	2. Disasters

Sarah noticed the next morning that the makeup barely hid the dark circles under her eyes. No one seemed to want Sarah to sleep that night. Pixies stole her underwear (even trying to steal the ones she was wearing). More goblins. More chickens. Drunk gnomes singing karaoke severely off key and boisterously loud. What she wouldn't give for a pair of headphones and loud music. (The mighty arserag king decided to tweak all her music so they wouldn't function)

Today was Finals which had set her on edge in the first place, and the lack of sleep made her pissy and irritable. Sarah wolfed down toast and sprinted to the testing rooms. She squealed as she fell face first onto the ground.

'Someone is going to die…' she declared as she heard the giggles in the shadows.

Not wanting to be even more tardy, she decided to wait until later to dish out soapy punishments.

The Finals came and went without any more interference and for that she was grateful. But her mood soured when she realized goblins had yet again stole her wallet. Sarah's stomach growled impatiently as she lacked the funds to satiate it. She thought fondly of drowning them in a lavender bath.

'It couldn't get any worse,' she groaned.

Then her 'business' phone rang. Sarah looked up at the sky darkly, 'It's not fair,' she pouted and answered the phone. Her acting skills being put to waste to 'helping' lonely men and woman who couldn't just stick with porn.

'Hello,' she drawled in her 'sexy voice'.

'Well hello,' said the baritone voice on the other end.

His voice seemed familiar yet she couldn't place it. She chalked it up to a past client. Though his voice made her shiver a little, she hurried to the abandoned gym before continuing.

'What would you like of me tonight, baby?' she asked, staying neutral until she knew the client's tendencies.

'Many things, sweet thing,' was his reply.

'Oh so he's going to be difficult?' she thought and said out loud, 'Mmmm…like what?' she threw in a slight moan to get ANYTHING bloody started.

'For you moans to be real, Precious,' he purred.

'Oh shit…' she nearly choked on air when she recognized the sultry voice.

'Jareth?' She didn't mean to squeak.

'Oh so you do remember me, Sarah,' he laughed, 'I'm flattered.'

Sarah quickly hung up, threw the phone as if it was a snake and ran to hide under the bed.


	3. Oi Vey

Jareth never knew he could laugh so much as he watched her reaction in one of his crystal.

'Well it is what she deserves for wishing me into the Bog,' his inner voice pouted.

It had taken mass amounts of magick to remove the putrid stench. And yet he flung goblins AND chickens into it with nary a care.

The goblin King tweaked a glove as he rose from his crescent throne. He swaggered like a peacock down the stony steps. His attire was black and glittery. He wore his usual sinfully tight pants and open shirt with frills. If mortals hadn't have seen his kin they would have thought him ore than one kind of faerie.

'Spock!' his voice thundered as the puke of a goblin appeared.

'It's Spork, Sire,' the little goblin answered, and sure enough a spork was lodged up his nose precariously close to his brain or lack of thereof.

'Whatever,' Jareth waved his hand dismissively, 'I shall be going Aboveground. Until I return you shall be in charge,' he propped his hand son his hips and glared down at the goblin,' And if I see a single chicken feather in my chambers I will tip you straight into the Bog of Eternal Stench!'

As Jareth was about to transform into the regal owl he added as an afterthought,' And that goes for trying on my clothes as well.'

Sarah felt as if her head was going to explode with all the thoughts that rushed into it at once.

How did he find out?

What will she do?

Who is she going to kill for letting it slip?

HOW THE HELLS CAN HE CALL FROM THE UNDERGROUND?

'I am so dead,' she said as she continuously banged her head against the wall.

'Oh I wouldn't say that, Precious,' a velvety voice whispered close in her ear.

Sarah screamed and jumped almost out of her skin.

'There, there,' he cooed as he grazed his teeth against the tip of her ear.

Her face turned many shades of red as she felt his closeness. The girl turned and saw the creature who often starred in her steamy dreams. The same wild platinum hair. Same sensuous lips. Even the same distracting…oh so distracting tights.

She put up a brave front, flying by the seat of her pants, 'It is a little early for Halloween,' she grinned and ignored her traitorous heart hammering in her chest, 'Or did you just come from the Faerie Bar?' she taunted.

Jareth's eyes narrowed into a piercing gaze that went straight to her nethers, 'What ever do you mean, Precious?' he asked with deadly softness.

Sarah dug her glittery grave further and replied haughtily, 'Well I've only seen rather flamboyant people wear that get-up so I assume you were of a different persuasion.'

She could have sworn the temperature of the room dropped dangerously low as he gazed at her. She realized he had backed her into the door when he slammed his hands into it on either sides of her pretty face.

Again she dug herself even deeper, 'Aw did I ruffle your feathers?' she mocked concern.

He leaned in close, only inches from her face with a vicious look in his mismatched eyes, 'I assure you, Sarah, I am of a particular persuasion that would excite you,' he crushed his lips onto hers, cutting off her retort.

Sarah's body instinctively responded as her mind bristled, 'TRAITOR!'

As he tried to dip his tongue into her mouth, she did the only thing she could and kneed him in the crystals.

Jareth: *holds self* bitch…

Me: It is was you get for screwing up my Ipod glitter puff.


	4. Bruised Crystals

The goblins all grimaced and held themselves as they saw the knee connect. They peered around the bathroom door and behind the bed as they saw their king clutch himself and fall to his knees. Even the chickens softly clucked their pity for the Fae royal.

They saw the Girl-who-ate-the -peach-and-forgot-everything shake in fury at the Fae, 'Just because my job,' she spit out,' isn't so great does NOT mean I'm easy!'

Their king was silent as she continues,' You have had your goblins harass me, faeries bite me and pixies STEAL MY UNDERWEAR, and you expect me to let you waltz in to take advantage of me?' she yelled.

As she continued to berate him for crimes like glittering all her clothes and the such, Kropes the goblin decided to break the dreaded fourth wall and said, 'I not 'pect thiz, did you?'

With a flash the Goblin King pinned her to the door, pressing his lean body against hers for the feel of her curves and to save his infinitives from being split.

'I was being generous by giving you space,' he said pointedly, 'And I rather thought you would view their antics with humor,' he lied.

She could only growl as he went on,' But it seems you don't want space,' and he pressed further into her.

'Get off, Goblin King,' she flushed as she noticed _something_.

'Oh but, Precious,' he murmured and capture her neck in a bite, causing her to yelp.

'I mean it!' she shouted and stamped on his foot.

Jareth danced back and glowered. He didn't know quite how to assuage her. Obviously, trying to physically woo the minx would only result in the king being physically abused. He didn't mind a bit of pain but he preferred biting of the neck to being unceremoniously unmanned. He sighed and regained composure.

'What can I do, Oh cruel one?' he said finally.

For a few moments all she could do was blink. Then she considered him thoughtfully. She was still quite perturbed, but she did miss him a little thought she wouldn't admit it. She did mention she knew next to nothing about him.

The goblins 'awwwed' as their sovereign asked her out for tea in the park to fix that problem. They ignored the fact it was a little out of character but they figured it was because of his infatuation bordering on love. What surprised them more was the Champion's acceptance of this. Kropes, though a simple goblin knew there would be battles, but he also knew both parties would enjoy it immensely. The pair was like fire and ice and often switched rolls on who was what at any given time.

It had take the Goblin King many a moon to persuade Sarah to be his. And even longer to actually get her Underground. She tied up all loose ends. Obstinately finished her studies and graduated.

What she had forgotten was her second 'job'. After chucking her 'business' phone she had simply forgotten it. She would have been amused if she had discovered Spork had taken up her old occupation.

And everyone lived…not quite happily…but at least in an interesting random fashion…ever after.

Jareth: And no sex scenes?

Me: Oh I didn't know you were an exhibitionist…

Jareth: Damn straight…

Sarah: Jareth…

Jareth: Oh Hells…*hides*

Me: *Grins wickedly* Well that is it everyone…I did this in one day and figured it was a little humorous at least. Review! And Jareth shall strip dance for ye!


End file.
